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Would you say your company secrets are safe? Would you say you had good security?  I bet if I was an expert, and I tried to break in either through the computer networks, or physically, I’d probably fail.  What if  I was already inside? What if I was inside 24/7 for a month?  What if I had as much electricity as I needed and water as I could drink?

I’d probably discover the secret ingredients, the trade dossiers and the hidden treasures in all our companies and ensure our mutual societal and economic doom.

This is already in place. Its a real threat and it’s here NOW. You heard it here first.

There comes a time in early December each year when the lobbies of offices countrywide are infiltrated by and adorned with the Festive Fir. Here’s a picture of one, in case you’ve missed them


There’s been an invasion of these things in the last few weeks. They are everywhere.  I’ve two scenarios for you:

  1. They’re fitted with wifi breaking, data crunching technology and they operate tree-to-tree to outsmart our detection. Once in the network, they plant viruses and Trojans designed to give control to outside parties.  To make it happen, I (being the naughty people) would simply buy up corporate Christmas tree providers or buy up the tree stock.  All the tech could hide inside a nice bauble.
  2. Possibly more likely: the trees become sentient and are hellbent on taking us all out (whilst at work). They control main thoroughfares and entry and exit points. They have defences too: barbed pines to puncture us like pin cushions, a sticky glue like substance if you try to move them which can render us useless and a noxious (ok, quite pleasant) gas when you get near.

Save yourself and destroy the trees now. Don’t wait or delay.  They are coming.